For My Sake

I don’t exactly know what is going on with me at the moment. Things which I think is important is still in a mess, intended to fix it up, but not now, just wanna give myself a lil break. I need no my life to be busy, all I want is just happening, fulfill my time with party and men.

But things always doesn’t seems easy for me, whenever I tend to do something to actually cheer myself up, there is always something minor but meant to be worry turns out. How am I supposed to deal with it? I hate the fact that I have to confront with all this feelings on my own; I hate the fact that I have everyone around me but still feel alone.

Life ain’t easy I know, full of challenges, full of crap, so I want to take an easy way. To stop care, to stop asking why, just take it as what it is, when it comes, I take it, for the good side, and let the bad side as what it is. I am big enough to take all the responsibilities on my own, but I am not strong enough to mend the broken heart, I gave up, so I leave it to anyone who wants to do that for me. Sounds a lot more easier isn’t it?

I hate what I heard last night, I hate my contribution on it.

I am in a dilemma, I know what they are expecting from me, but that’s definitely what I wanted to be. How to make them understand? Now, to live for someone else, or just me, myself? I tried too hard to satisfy everyone around me but myself. A major martyr, where coincidently read something about myself after someone telling me that I am that kind of people. Felt like a loser yelling everyday:” Use me! Use me!” Then all the users turns up and fully utilize me as I offer it to them, so why not? No one to be blame but myself, giving too much of free services where I actually worth more than that.

But now what? When I decided to live on the way I want, someone whom I really care reminds me that they won’t like me to be in that way.

D I L L E M M A